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Sunday, August 7, 2011

How Did I Get Here

                                                       I was in Hawaii I was 135 pounds

My wedding day
I ask myself this question daily.  I was 17 and that was my lowest adult weight.  I met my husband two months after this picture was taken and we married 8 months later.  I was 138 pounds.  I would transform quickly as I gained over 70 pounds with my first pregnancy.  

Fast forward five years and I was pregnant again with my second baby.  I would only gain 26 pounds this time around and I lost that fairly easily.  But I still carried the 70 that I had gained with Nichole.  I would never take that off again.  In fact it is here that my true battle would begin.

In 1987 my beloved son Adam who was 3 years old was diagnosed with Cancer.

Adam age 3 one month before his diagnoses
Adam's favorite place was the mountains of Colorado
Adam and Nichole in Disney World Sept 1988
  Our whole lives were turned upside down.  For 10 months I lived mostly in Children's Hospital in Denver.  We lived in Colorado at this point in our lives.  I was torn between being home with my 7 year old daughter and being with my 3 year old son who desperately needed me.  I had to quit work, to care for him.  I watched him fight this cancer in the most amazing way.  He taught me so much about life and what is important and what is not so much.  Through the chemo and radiation and hair loss, to the extreme weight loss he never lost sight of being a little boy.  His "mantra" was "don't worry be happy".  He meant it.  I watched my little boy of such a tender age grow up in front of me.  He was so wise.  I know that God spoke to me through him.  He was so caring and compassionate.  Three year old's don't know about these kinds of things.  Do they?  Adam had so many people who loved him and well wishers, he became a very famous little boy.  The newspapers would write stories, the news would have little bits on about him, the city held a huge garage sale, Nichole's school would send lots of homemade cards, the mail was incredible.  This was back before computers made their appearance in everyone's home mind you.  It was a very emotional time for my family.  I just knew things would be ok. 

Balloons released at Adams Graveside
We got a trip from Make A Wish to Walt Disney World and we had such an amazing time there.  I cannot say enough about that organization.  They gave us some precious time and memories with our son.  One month later on October 16, 1988 Adam would leave this world.  But he has never left our lives or our hearts.  I went through hell, we all did.  I cannot express enough how devistating this whole experience was for us all.

Resthaven Memory Gardens

It was after this experience that I really began to gain weight, I know that is not an excuse.  But I was eating as comfort and to fill a void in my life.  I have since learned that food can never do this.  It can only make me fat.  I do not want to be fat anymore.

Adam was a precious gift, and even though I miss him terribly each and every day.  He is with me, he is my strength, he is my resolve, he is the laughter, he is the joy.  I know he would be my biggest cheer leader if he were able to be.  He always loved to go clothes shopping with me and would tell me what looked good and what did not.

I know that he would be so proud of me today.  I have come a long way from the woman who had lost so much of herself the day he died.  I have to deal with his loss each and every day.  The only difference 23 years later is that I have realized what I am too blame for and what I had no control over.  I lost so much but I still have so much in my life I am very grateful.  I have an amazing daughter Nichole, who also lost so much.  She lost her best friend, they were so close.  She lost part of her mother for a very long time, as I was unable to be with her while I was taking care of Adam in the hospital.  She is a wonderful mother now of two adorable boys.  They are the lights of my life Adam and Cole.  Yes she named her first born after her brother.  She always said she would and she did.  
My beautiful children
Nichole and Adam
I feel blessed to have my grandchildren now,  they give me strength to get this weight off.  I want to run and play with them and not be so tired.  

Nichole and Adam in 1986 Denver
How things change yet remain the same.  It feels like only yesterday that they were this age and I have these wonderful pictures to look at and remember.

I love you Adam!


Justawallflower said...

Wow, what a beautiful post. I am so sorry for all that your family has lost, but it is clear that Adam lives on in spirit. You were very lucky to have such a wonderful little boy in your life. My heart breaks for you, as I know the 23 years does not erase the love and pain you felt the day he left you. (((hugs)))

Jacquie said...

(((hugs))) I can attest to the wonderful Make-a-wish foundation. My niece was also treated to a trip to Disney and coincidently, she died very soon after. Cancer is a horrible thing to go through and its so much worse watching your child fight for his/her life.

As I have my angel in heaven, so do you and your family. i will keep you all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post and memorial. I am so sorry about all you have lost.

Kristin50 said...

Thank you all, his life was short but he left a mark that will last forever. He taught me so much. Thank you all for reading!