Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I am finally moving again........... Wednesday Wisdom!
After weeks of no scale movement, I have begun the descent once again from this god awful place that I allowed myself to climb to. I have to tell you that three months ago, when I made the decision to get back in touch with my band seriously, I thought gee Kristin, you are so behind the 8 ball. You could have been done by now, in maintenance and loving life as a thin person.
Those thoughts are true, but the reality is this, it is not easy, no one ever promised me that it would be. Not the surgeon, not the nurse who led the support group, not the nutritionist, and least of all the people who stood before me at goal at my first seminar. Where in the world did I get the idea that I could do this without hard work. I know better.
Nothing in life comes easy, nothing that is worthwhile that is. I look at my life and where I am today, verses where I was just a year ago, and I am actually more at peace now, than then. Why? Because I have worked on my inner demons. The ones that are there whether I am thin or fat! I still want to see a different me in the mirror, but now I am comfortable with who she is. I know that I am a good person who was just fat! I know that those who love me, love me because of ME not how much I weigh. I think it is so funny how a drop of 1.2 pounds feels like winning the lottery to me. I also think it is funny how, now today I think about working out, more than about what is for the next meal.
You see I used to obsess about food, it was always on my mind. I would eat breakfast, usually something quick, like a breakfast sandwich from the Not so Golden Arches, and then in an hour, I thought I was in need of more food, and I would eat something else, and then in a couple of hours something else, when lunch would roll around I would eat another 1500 calories I imagine, not sure since I was not logging anything. As I was eating lunch, I was thinking about dinner!!!! Yes, I was thinking about what I needed to have for dinner, while I was eating. It was so insane. You talk about people hooked on crack! Really, how is this any different? I was eating myself into a heart attack, early grave you name it. I also closet ate, I would hide what I was eating. I would leave work and go by Culver's and get a Snicker's Concrete mixer and devour it before I ever got home. This was routine. Exercise was non existent I was so tired when I would get home that I would just go lie in bed, depressed you think? Most certainly I was, in denial, yeap I was there too, unable to see what I was becoming? well, I knew, but I stopped weighing cause I did not want to know, it scared the hell out of me.
Something clicked, I am not sure what it was this time, but I am thrilled that it did. I think it was the fact that I had gained so much weight back, that I had no clothes to move up into. When I had lost down from the size 28 to the 14/16 that I was at before I began packing the pounds back on, I had gotten rid of anything in my closet above a size 18. So here I was back doing those binges, and closet eating, and it was not pretty. I was able to eat enormous amounts of food with my band. I knew I needed a fill, but how could I face my surgeon after all of this time.
I was the leader of the Lap Band support group for my surgeons practice. I was the poster girl of "how to get the band working for you"! I was so embarrassed, it was incredible. So, after going back to therapy, and getting my head on straight and stopping the self bashing. I picked up my size 18 jeans and big girl panties and went back to my Dr.! He gave me a well deserved ass chewing yes he did. But only because he could not understand why I stopped coming to see him, after all, he was my support, my key to helping when things were not going well! He reminded me that he and I are a TEAM! That we have to stick together on this or I will not prevail. Great advice, and stuff I intend never again to forget.
I know that many of us have gone through rough times, with our bands. I also know that many have not, they kept on the straight and narrow and are where the need or want to be already or are very close to be. I want to say to those who have gone through the rough times, or are still fighting these demons, YOU can win the battle. You have the inner strength, you have the determination, you have everyone here for support, and you have the BAND! All of these put together equals success.
I am down 2.8 pounds this week! It feels wonderful!
Happy Hump Day!
8 More days til Chicago! Chicago!